In these moments I typically choose not to listen to music and instead enjoy all that's going on around me. I suppose it's my pondering gene that enjoys such observing. Well today it was as if I did have music playing as I listened to the constant chorus of "Watch me Mom, watch me"! Oh, I so remember those days. I remember begging my mom to watch me and I remember all three of my little ones doing the same. I remember yelling to my dad before going up the ladder of the high dive at the Elks' Lodge. I remember dutifully watching all three of my bathing beauties as they flipped over and over (and over and over) again under water repeating "watch me, watch me"! It is this phrase that begs me to wonder what's really behind it.
I believe what every child is longing for in the "watch me" moment is a "good job" or an "I'm so proud of you". Not because they executed the perfect underwater somersault or completely straight legged cartwheel, but because they tried and wanted you to witness it. As I reflected over some responses I've previously heard to this common poolside phrase and also some I have previously given myself, I can see where the mark has been missed by us parents. A desperate and excited "watch me" results in an aggravated "not now", or a dishonest "I see" after not paying any attention whatsoever, or maybe even the dreaded lecture on what they could have done better.
As our children grow up they never outgrow the desire to exclaim "watch me"! It just manages to look different through the years. As my own teenagers grow they no longer yell for me to watch them on the high dive but instead I get glimpses of them checking just to see if I am. Children long to be approved of by their parents and I believe we have come to a place where we have greatly underestimated their need for our approval, that is our approval despite their performance. We now seem to approve as long as it is perfect or even good and if it meets our standards. If not, we tend to correct.
We need to go back to the day where we appreciated a good ol' failure. After all, failures teach us some of our most valuable lessons. They shape and mold us. They teach us to fight and overcome, they thicken our skin. Wasn't it those skinned knees that helped us stay on our bikes when we all learned to ride? They also teach us humility. They say, so what if you didn't get a trophy, you're value is not dependent upon that. You lost, learn from it, and move on. We need to remember that our children will fail and when they do we still need to be their number one fan instead of becoming their number one critic.
Whatever stage of parenting you are in or will be in soon, keep in mind that your kids will, beyond a shadow of a doubt, fail. Prepare yourself now to say good job (and mean it) to the B, or for that matter, heaven forbid, the C your child brings home on a report card with their "hesitant watch me face". It may very well be their best. Determine if it is before you lecture or require more. After all, your child's grades help us as parents direct them in the right way in life. Let their seeking our approval be a valuable resource instead of a feared "I did it wrong again" message. Let them fail a test, miss a goal, forget the moves at a dance recital, or whatever it is.
Praise their strengths and be gracious in their weaknesses. Don't become the parent of a child who feels as if they are never enough, is overwhelmed by the stress of perfection, or the one who feels as if it is their performance that earns your love. Teach them to embrace their failures and in turn you will remove the pressure of performance based approval. This is exactly what our Heavenly Father does. He says to come just as we are. He says He loves us just as we are and He forgives us for our failures time and time again. Isn't this the message we want to give our children? Isn't that the kind of parent we want to be? Having a broken child who has failed be able to turn to you as a place of encouragement or comfort is life changing for your child. In the same way, the goal is for that same child to one day acknowledge their sin and turn to their Heavenly Father broken and not good enough. Don't raise a child who must get it all together and be perfect to be approved of or loved. Those children won't run into the arms of Jesus, instead they will keep scrambling their way through life trying to obtain a perfection that simply isn't achievable.
So parents, listen to your kids and by all means, do watch them. Study them, know their strengths and help them identify them, know their weakness and know which ones to work on and which ones to accept and move on from. Our goal is not for them to become the best instead it's for them to become who God created them to be. They need us, always have and always will and most importantly they need Jesus.
