Pangs

I felt it the moment I heard her first cry. It’s almost as if I could physically feel it take root deep within my heart, and it was strong. It was such a strong desire to just make her tears stop. I had a sudden need to make her feel better at all costs and I somehow knew this would be a desire I would never let go of.  I just didn’t know the battle that it would entail.  On that day I could stop her crying just by cradling her in my arms, but even then her cry was not without purpose. The same tears and wails that broke my heart encouraged her to grow.  They filled her sweet little lungs with air and grew them to be strong.  Yet, I longed for them to stop and I felt the pang with each yell.

The infant cries soon turn into toddler disobedience.  The cries got louder and turned into screams and the battle of time out began, and ever so quickly, there it was again. The pang.  I felt it every time I pulled out the time out chair and she sat there in tears with her little white blanket and a thumb in her mouth. 

I knew she deserved the time out, but I could rarely get my heart to agree.  I could just let her get away with it one more time. I could count to three…and four…and four and half….I could just not be inconvenienced and just let it slide, but despite the screaming pang, I knew better.  If you are in battle with a toddler, you better win. Even despite the pang.

Years go by and there are more things that feed the pang.  She eyes cute dolls, sparkly shoes and dress up clothes in the store and her little heart desperately wants them all and my heart desperately longs to buy them for her.  The pangs say “give in”, but the parent I knew I needed to be says no.  She needs to learn contentment as much as her lungs need to learn to be filled with air.  And once again, this job called Momma is not about me.

Disrespect, sibling fights, lost nights that I was prepared to watch a movie and cuddle on the couch, turn into disappointments of extra naps and early bed times.  My heart screamed “No!”  I wanted the perfect night of popcorn, Beauty and the Beast and cuddles.  Why couldn’t she just listen?  My life would be easier if she did.  The pang grew and it also changed.  You see, the pang not only was a deep desire to make her happy anymore, but it also became one that desired my own happiness.  Do I hurt my own heart and lose out on my desires or do I hurt hers and allow the necessary consequences?  Did I want to make this night easier for me or do I want to make her life easier for her? I chose to grow her character.

Time continues to fly and middles school arrives. The pang returns in full force.  My heart screams “Protect her! Protect her! Protect her!” If I could only know every detail of her life, keep her safe in my home and keep her from hearing, seeing, or experiencing anything negative or hurtful I would feel so much better…. BUT, it’s not about me.  The way I mother her is about her.  After all, I wasn’t raising a child, I was raising an adult. And so the battle ensues a little longer.  I can choose to protect her in my own frailness or I can choose to allow her to experience bumps and bruises from the world and find her dependence in God and not me.  I chose God.  It hurt but He grew her even while I felt the pang.

The teen years came in full force.  I wanted to bail her out of everything.  I wanted everything she experienced to be awesome. I wanted her to have the best friends, the best grades, the cutest clothes and the safest car and I was desperate not to let her fall prey to the world.  I wanted…I wanted..I wanted.  Alright Lord, I remember.  This is not about me.  You gave her to me because her life is about You.  You know the friends she needs, the grades she needs and even the clothes and car that’s right.  Every experience she has is for a purpose that you have called her to for your glory. No Lord, I don’t want to stand in the way of that just because the pang or the selfishness in my heart is too great. 

 Now I sit here, a mere 2 days before this precious crying baby leaves out into the world for college.  And oh is the pang cutting deep!  The cries aren’t coming from her any longer, they are coming from me.  I know this world, I know what’s out there and it’s not so pretty, but even more than that I know my God and the God she loves ever so much.  His ways for her trump my ways every single time and yet again, despite my whaling heart, I trust Him. 

This parenting gig is not for the faint or weak of heart.  My heart is screaming “Stay, oh please stay” but I would never crush my beautiful girl like that. I’d rather have my own heart ripped out of my chest before depriving her of what she was created to do.  I have learned so painfully well over the years that parenting her was not about me and my comfort.  And now, all of a sudden I am so grateful, that even though not executed perfectly, I didn’t let things slide because it was inconvenient for me.  I didn’t keep her from time out because her tears broke my heart and I didn’t hold her back from doing scary things and I didn’t hold her back from failing or from making a bad grade.  I am grateful I was a tough mom filled with an endless amount of love that taught her how to make good decisions on her own.  More importantly, I’m grateful Jesus claimed my heart so I could show her how to desire Him to do the same for her.  Nothing I did as a parent was ever in my own power. I would have failed miserably.  It was the grace of God and the understanding of His ways and the reasons He disciplines those He loves.  I followed Him while she was following me.  And despite the pangs, I would do it all over again.

My sweet little Taylor, you have gripped my heart from the moment I heard your little voice and saw your little frog legs.  You are the most delicately strong, loving and compassionate child that I am desperately proud of.  Your shyness never has held you back, your inner quiet strength has shown through every challenge you allow yourself to face and I am fiercely proud to be your mom.  I will forever worry about you, cry over you and give you unsolicited advice, but I will do it all trusting in the calling God has on your life and the protection He has over you.  I will always allow Him to trump me. 

I hope I have parented you well and prepared you for this day. May I have richly blessed your life as you have mine.  Being your mom has been my best gig ever!! Now go out in the world and make His name known!   I love you forever…and don’t forget to take the kissing hand with you!