This dream first began inside my heart. As a preteen I would peruse the mall passing out carnations to elderly people, just because. I loved the smiles they put upon their sweet faces. I was also very introverted and shy, so without the need to use many words, I handed out flowers instead.
Ever since I can remember, I have been a lover of people. I have always been a fan of the underdog, an encourager to the discouraged, and I have always longed to be a binder of the brokenhearted. My heart's desire to help people has always trumped my deepest fears and insecurities. In an odd way I have been blessed and cursed with the trait of perseverance.
My life has not always been easy but I've somehow always managed to be a fighter. There is this relentless tenacity within me that I am unable to let go of. I love and I hate this about myself. One day, this perseverance that I have a love/hate relationship with, found me as I sat at my kitchen table.
After years of struggle and pain I found myself married with a precious little girl and still having an aching heart for people, but this time I was one of the people I ached for. There I sat at my white kitchen table, a 23 year old high school drop out with a long history of defeat, but a great drive within to overcome. I didn't believe in myself, I had anxiety swallowing me up like crashing waves and I had the self-esteem of a mustard seed, but I also had a dream and a drive.
At that table the decision was made to get my high school diploma. Not a GED, but the real thing. The next few years were spent crying at that table feeling so stupid as I struggled my way through my education, knowing full well most 16 year olds grasped concepts I struggled to teach myself. I read books upon books, filled in so many bubbles of answers, and I waited to turn in assignments via dial up service (Yes, I would like props for this alone). In between I had illness and 2 more children, but three years later I also had my diploma. The only thing I lacked was my walk across that stage.
Years would go by, and despite my hard work and accomplishments, I continued to feel stupid and incapable. Everything in me believed I was right about myself, but again perseverance would rear it's head and not let me stop. It was then that I began my journey to get my Bachelors degree. More years of hard work, struggle, and more mental battles where I was my own worst enemy. It took many tears, many years, and many long nights of studying, but I finally received my B.S. in Human Development, once again missing out on walking across the stage.
BUT come to find out, I still wasn't done!
Despite the grueling struggle of achieving my degrees, I knew I had to go on. I began studying professional counseling and it wasn't long before I became my own best client. I self diagnosed along the way and swore I had everything, and sadly, I kind of did. I took everything I learned and applied it to myself. I fought to win my own life back. Through this entire time I learned to face things head on. I fought battles I didn't want to fight. I kept getting back up every time I got knocked down. I instinctively filled my own head with negativity and lies, and I rose up and battled against those, too. I faced 7 surgeries and a year long debilitating illness, but I refused to give up the fight. Through it all, I've realized that I, by far, have been my toughest opponent.
Friends, I am not kidding when I say this road has been long. Inside my head was a hot mess. I constantly felt dumb, defeated, and overwhelmed, but I embraced the calling God had on my life to be a people helper, so I fought. I hated the lies I was led to believe about myself and the suffering I did in silence, and I was never going to be okay with allowing others to experience the same. It is my hearts desire to be someone who stands up and does something. My insecurities, my fears, and my deepest wounds were not enough to keep me from fighting for people-fighting for the freedom that awaits, for the peace they've always longed for and for the ability to know that they are enough. So, I hung in there for what seemed to be an eternity as I battled my way emotionally and physically. I fought for you, I fought for me, and I fought for every hurting person I might see one day. And in doing so, I have finally accomplished my dream of doing exactly what God has made me to do.
So tomorrow, I FINALLY get to walk!
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