Even in Suffering

As much as I would like to format this and go into detail, I simply can't, so I will just write.  These past days have been an emotional roller coaster and I'm at a loss as to how to adequately put into words what it's like to almost lose the man you love most in the world.  As the situation is still fresh and raw in my mind I am frequently overcome with waves of emotions, waves of gratefulness, waves of fear, waves of thoughts that are simply too big for me to handle, but I’m also overcome with  waves of how awesome God is. 

Many of you don't know that the day before Chris's surgery I was asked to speak at all 3 services of my church. The message our Pastor was giving was “How God Grows us Through Suffering”.  I was asked to give a testimony as someone who has suffered and been through many trials over the past years.  Little did I know that the very words I shared were about to become a beautiful example of God going before me. 

 Bearing witness to the man you love gasping for air with tremendous fear in his eyes, a fear I later learned that was for me and the girls, as he knew confidently where he would go, all was just too much for me to handle.  I have never felt such desperation and such fear.  Seeing him rushed down the hospital corridors and watching 2 doors slam shut behind him was enough to take my legs out from under me.  Had it not been for the grace of God and the prayers of many I believe I would have been on the floor like a rag doll.  I felt as if his heart ever stopped beating then so would mine.  We truly are that mushy couple who has always been more of an us than a you and me. Thoughts flooded my mind as I so quickly tried to remember the way his hand felt in mine, the way he looks at me, his voice as he tells me he loves me or sings so perfectly.  I felt a desperation to cling to all of those things because I wasn’t sure I would experience them again. It’s amazing how the mind works.

As I knew he was in surgery and I was forced to just wait, I did so with many friends, the friends that don’t ask, the friends that just show up. The friends who just let you collapse into their arms a big sobbing mess.  The friends who envelope you with love and immediately wrap you in prayer.  The friends who converse and allow you to be removed from your thoughts because you literally cannot handle having them, any of them. 

As I waited and waited the very words I had spoken, the words God had given me just the day before came flooding back to my mind.  When I spoke at church I spoke of the battles I’ve gone through in my mind during trials.  I spoke of the war that is waged between the lies that beg you to lose hope and make you feel defeated, against the truth of God’s word that banishes all fear and renews your mind.  As I continued to wait and even as I later sat for many hours in ICU, the words that flooded my heart are the words I closed with on that Sunday.  They are words that the Father has spoken to me from His Word when my mind had a grip on doubt. As deeply as those words penetrated my heart in the midst of the most fearful time of my life, I hope they also penetrate yours as you read them now.  Because my dear friends, they are true and they are life giving when the world seeks to steal and take away, these words breathe hope. 

I was afraid, but my hope did not rest in a doctor, in medicine or anything else.  My hope resides in the Lord and it is only with that, that I don’t have to collapse under devastation.  With God, ALL things truly are possible. 

As I close my writing I ask that you just allow God to pull up a seat right next to you and speak these words over you as He ever so faithfully has done time and time again over me. If you don’t know Him, I pray that you change that. I never could have gotten through this without Him and it breaks my heart to know that anyone I love and care about doesn’t have the same hope that Chris and I do.

Dear Child,

I know your life is difficult right now but you also need to know that I love you with a steadfast love that will never cease, and when the sun comes up in the morning my mercies will be new.  Even when you don’t feel like I am there, I am.  I will never leave you or forsake you, I promise.  You don’t have to be afraid because I am your God.  I will strengthen you and I will help you. I know you want relief from this trial, but I have provided you with something even greater, my grace, and it will be sufficient for you now and in anything that you will ever face.  This burden you carry, give it to me.  I will sustain you and will not allow you to be moved.  I know your problem screams at you, but you keep your mind on Me and I will give you perfect peace. Give me every negative thought you have and I will destroy it and command it to obey Me. I know it’s hard, but just wait for me in your suffering, for what was meant for harm, I will use for good.  I know you don’t understand, but that is because my ways and my thoughts are higher than yours. But great is My faithfulness.  Like I’ve told you, don’t be surprised, in this world you will have trials and tribulation, but take heart, I have overcome the world! And lastly, don’t be deceived, that healing you seek….you already have it. I provided that the day I overcame the grave.

Love, God